(Prior posting from my old webspace)
***This will be reworked over time. It’s only a rough draft, filled with crappy grammar and weak writing… NOT very good I’m afraid. Just wanted to get it down as an idea.***
God created the heavens and the earth in six days…and it was good.
But soon God became bored with harps and feathers, and craved a little amusement. Since pet shops hadn’t occurred to his omnipotent self at this juncture, he decided to make himself a creature, and put said creature in a heavenly Habitrail habitat.
He decided to call this Adam.
Adam was clueless. Adam came complete with mind, will, one eyed snake and desire.
Soon God became bored again, as Adam walked ceaselessly around the botanical gardens, snacking on dates and dandelions, grabbing his junk every thirty seconds, wondering which woodland creature was gonna be the smoothest ride.
So with a rip snap and stitch, one rib later.. VOILA! History’s first vixen…Eve.
Now Eve was one rockin’ babe. Eve had it ALL goin’ down. Eve came complete with soft skin, flaxen hair, deep brown eyes, honey dripping out of every pore, and a shape that put the number 8 to shame.
Adam stared blankly at her. All the blood from the larger hemisphere within his anatomy slithered down into the smaller hemisphere, and what little intelligence was bestowed upon him soon was controlled by his divining rod.
Eve had it “goin’ down and goin’ on!!” She craved excitement. Eve loved the idea of a good time.
God said to both..”play nice, and keep yo grubby paws offa my ripe red apples.. lest I smite thee!”
Adam, dumb shit that he was, just stared blankly at Eve.. and Eve said “Righto Bozzman!!!”
Well, soon enuff they both get to be getting a little pekkid. With stomach rumbling, Adam went and got himself some rocks, and cornered some poor hapless rodent, made himself useful, and annihilated dinner.
He dragged it to their tree and told Eve to make it ready, they were gonna dine fine tonight.
So, Eve got the pleasure of skinning and gutting and cleaning and cooking this heavenly prairie dawg for their repast.
After a few days Eve got herself fed up, and decided that she was through with playing the patsy, and came up with a plan…one so foolproof, he’s never make her skin another bloody groundrunner again.
So Eve found herself walking, deep in thought, repetitively, around the forbidden fruit laden tree, pondering what to do, when some snake came into view.
“Hey babe” said the snake.
“You talk?” exclaimed Eve in revulsion and surprise.
“Yes ma’am, I sho’ do” said the snake.
Pretty soon, the snake convinced her that God was just seeing how long she could take Adam barking out orders, and making her clean and cook his kills. This is why The Father put the tree there, in plain sight, to see if she had enough backbone to stand up to the men and say “No More Slavery”.
So Eve.. incensed, picks an apple, and has a bite. It was at that moment Adam came into view, witnessing her crime. He then lunged towards the tree at breakneck speed, unbelieving and shocked at what had just transpired.
The Snake smirks, observing the entire melodrama from a higher branch.
“Eve. What have you done” cried Adam in a nerve wracked voice. “I was hungry, and got tired of unseasoned rat skewers, so I decided to add a little fruit to my diet” exclaimed Eve in a rather condescending tone.
“BUT HE TOLD US” Adam replied. Eve then took another bite, savoring the sweet, sinful nectar from the apple as it trickled down her throat. Adam’s mouth started to water. Now keep in mind Adam is still being led by the less equipped hemisphere down south.
Eve extended her arm with the partially devoured forbidden treat towards Adam, hopeful that by his partaking in this delicious secret, he’s forget this bloody campaign he’s waged on dinner, once and for all.
Adam felt his pleasure rise as he tasted the sugary delight of the apple’s white meat.
Then, reality surged through Adam…his blood flow started to return to his cerebral cortex. As if by surprise, Adam felt immediate guilt for what he had done, and he dropped the fruit with horror, as if he’d been burned by it.
He suddenly was aware he was running around with a morning glory for three days in front of some strange woman.
He grabbed for some foliage, and with spit and a prayer, affixed it to his forbidden zone.
Eve, in a gesture of solidarity, thinking she had finally put an end to this foolish ritual he had created, stuck some leaves on her naughty bits as well.
Seconds later, God thunders down.. “Kids.. what are you doing?”
Adam replies guiltily, “nothing”.
Eve remains confidently silent.
God then notices the new wardrobe furnished by Arbor and Arbor fine leaves, and asks “wassup wit dem leaves homies?”
Eve responds lustily “I saw them on the branch and just couldn’t resist”.
God then notices the half eaten fruit on the ground between them. In a rising fury, he blasts the leaves off them with one furious and commanding word.
After they picked themselves up off the ground, Adam asks God “where shall we go Daddo?”
God responds “Straight to hell for all I care”.
Eve replies coolly.. “I only took the bite I took cos Adam wasn’t appreciating me for all the dirty work I do. All a girl wants is a little attention and a night out here and there”.
God, Patriarch that he is replied “for disobeying my order, and for dissin’ yo’ man, you is gonna clean carcass, and all means of male leavings for eternity” Adam, you is gonna hunt and provide til the end of time, better make sure you have your resume prepped cos you gonna work til you drop dead”.
What history records as Adam being led to the proverbial slaughter should read as “Eve snaps, film at eleven”.