(Prior posting from my old webspace)

It seems everything comes in a bottle or can these days. From tonics to energize you, serums to revitalize you, to inebriants to mollify and daze you.

I often wondered about my roommates medicine cabinet. Well, let me rephrase that. Her cabinets of youth. Plural. Many times over.

In it contains promises of an 18 year old face, a twenty year old’s skin, and a 25 year old’s hair.

Funny, she seems as old now as she did before she used them.

She’s not alone. Ma, my sister, in fact, just about every single woman I have ever met that shaves thier legs has this treasure trove of “Genie’s Elixers” stuffed to the rafters of thier cupboards.

Each bottle, each vial, each tiny little 80 dollar droplet promises so much. I mean, the chicks on tv are SMOKIN’! So why do ALL these women look just like they did before they bought this shit?

God help you if you tell her she wasted her money. That is generally worse than answering “do these make me look fat?”. Men have died for less.

So, why is this so important? They have stuff in thier cabinets, closets, drawers, any free space they can find, enough money spent to buy a car, no joke, that essentially does the same thing as smearing butter or mayo on thier faces and hair.

Why do they seem to think something’s improved by using it.  I have heard a dermatologist on 20/20 state that mayonnaise does as good a job as Oil Of Olay whatever creme.

I once said everything I understand about a woman I can fit on the head of a pin. Here lies the proof.

They are supposed to be the more intelligent of the two sexes, in my experience. So why are they so damned gullible here?

Brainwashing.

It’s TV, it’s fashion, it’s magazines, it’s the hot chick at school that stole thier boyfriend, it’s a mother’s “guidance” and “monkey see”.

So, they buy into this. It makes them feel pretty. It makes them feel like they have more value to the world. It makes them more self assured and confident.

How sad is that.

I once met a woman that wore a ton of makeup. She was a girly girl. Hair done, heels on, nylons, nails, jewellery, matching accessories, and makeup. A really well done, but overly made up makeup job.

She looked amazing. Just a little too “manufactured”.

One day, she slept over after a party, and I saw her face, freshly washed. I was blown away.  She was beautiful. Without all the “effects” and hair and whatnot, this was one gorgeous woman. No joke!

The industry completely brainwashed her, as it has so many others.

So.. why do I feel sometimes I am no better.

I don’t wear makup, or use funny potions, or any of that, so I must be smarter.

REALLY?  Let’s examine the evidence, shall we?

I’m 42. With 42 comes a plethoria of new and exciting physical changes. No matter how you look at things, it’s all going south. Not a thing you can do to stop it, unless you like having your body treated like a sirlion steak, or better yet, a bongo drum.

Men age with character, women, apparently, with grace.

So, we are not supposed to have any interests in the stuff the fairer sex does.

REALLY?

Ummm.. if you go down the isles in the drug store, you will see chick shit all over the place. It’s a woman’s domain, clearly. But in there, nestled in it’s own section, is a place, a growing place, dedicated to me. And all the other fools just like me.

It has things to firm you up, things to tone you up, things to colour you up, things to freshen and scrub and perfume you up.

Who wears this?  Well, I don’t. Do I?

Let’s see that 11 dollar box of Just For Men, shall we? One for the beard, one for the hair.

If you open the hair one, and then open a chicks hair one, you soon realize we’ve been duped!

We get a quarter of the stuff they get. I suppose it’s cos they have longer hair. But hey, they get ALL those choices and colours. Because I’m a guy, my male self can’t face the “pretty” product, so it spends a few bucks more on the MALE product. One that makes my hair turn black, no matter what shade the hunky dude on the box has on is head. It washes out in two weeks, and looks ridiculous.

And that beard stuff?  Well, I love that freshly applied shoe polish shade it gives my beard. Nice and natural.

Kind of like that dork selling all those “amazing ” products on American TV on those really annoying infomercials, the one who’s hair looks like a black hole on my screen , it’s been so overprocessed.

This is a decent looking man that now is wading into Tammy Faye Baker territory. Only she used eyeshadow. He just has hair that brings him there. No difference, really.

Am I becoming that guy?

I walk down the street, and someone cute walks by. My stomach is suddenly up into my chest. Is that any different than a woman wearing push me up bras?

I notice lovely little “scents” emerging from places unmentionable. I’m not happy. So, like a dork, bought into the whole “AXE” thing. It smells like perfumed testosterone in the laundry basket now.

Why? cos some guy had chicks eating out of his hand on a tv ad.  I’m gay and I bought into this nonsense.

What’s next, a mud pack?

Why is all of this nessessary. Well, for me, being single, I want to look good. I want to be desirable. I want to have guys crawling after me, with thier tounges hanging out of thier mouths. Unfortunately, that ain’t likely ever gonna happen, so why then.

Could it be that, in some odd way, I am as brainwashed as these women are?

Well, considering I don’t buy too much mascara, I’d have to venture a guess that no, it could not be. So.. where does my money go.

Well, I’m smart. I invest it in electronics. I LOVE the electronics store, or the hardware store. I LIVE to buy tools and dvd players.

I admit it, I am a sucker.

It doesn’t matter that I am completely incapable of cutting a piece of wood straight. It doesn’t matter that I am in posession of THREE drills already. It only matters that it’s new, and I must.

I have three dvd players, two mp3 players, two computers, two computer sound systems, tv, surround sound, all that

Just in my bedroom. When the lights go out at night, they never really are out. I can see little green, white and blue lights on all parts of this room. It’s lke Christmas, 364 of the other days of the year.

Why?

Cos I’ve been programmed this way. Monkey see.

So.. here’s to being more evolved.

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