(Prior posting from my old webspace)

From Tara Reid and her plasticine abs of oatmeal to Madonna and her tourniquet inspired face-lift, Hollywood has certainly spawned itself a legion of Franken-brides this last decade.

There has never been a fountain of youth, yet Jurassic babes continually bathe in it’s fabled waters, failing to realize they’ve basted themselves in Chernobyl. All one needs to see is the alarming progression of females suffering from “Norma Desmonditis” to understand what that means. A quick glance at Nicole Kidman and her Mighty Morphing Power headlights demonstrate but one harsh example of never growing up or aging gracefully in Hollywood.

Beauty does not means brains, clearly! And no amount of money is going to knock back those knockers to a youthful “25” ladies! Yet, like a swarm of locusts, women of all ages are flocking to specialists for the sole purpose of clipping, stitching, filling and pulling themselves into a version of their former, or fantasy selves. Last on in gets a rotten eye lift! Oops, looks like Dolly was too slow on the dive! That’s OK, she could well have overfilled an innocent pool on her own with medical prosthetics with one huge collagen splash. It’s a subject for the ages, and there will be future university courses offered on how much of her body was actually female, and how much of it was stamped “Dow Corning”.

Heidi Montag demonstrated recently everything that is wrong with the universe. Her chest has gone Super Nova. Her eyebrows are in a higher orbit than Hubble, and her entire body is now made up of material artifice so wholly unnatural it’d survive, and possibly shield the planet from a meteor holocaust.
There is also the incomparable Christina Aguilera. During her “Diirty” daze, the “Not Myself Tonight” singer botched up anatomy while taking a solid “B” and failing the class with her “Double D’s”. It’s comical to watch “Growing Up Xtina” morph from talented minx to pole dancer within the blink of an eye. Hope she doesn’t take up jogging. She’ll end up with two black eyes!

I think she witnessed Mariah Carey doing something similar with her “Honey” video and decided what was good for Mariah was doubly good for her!
Mariah made her foray into fake after her split from her huzboss Tommy Mottola. Girl was looking fine. But then, weeks into the “Honey”’s video release, it changed completely. “Mariah the Sexy “ was replaced by “Mariah the Pendulous”. As someone once mused; “whoever bought a Mariah Carey CD because of her looks”.

But it’s not all bad. Well, it is, but it’s important to keep a positive attitude. Plastic surgery makes a woman feel good. Joan Rivers must feel elated if that’s the case! She certainly has a smile plastered across her face albeit frozen with filler and fat from places unmentionable to offer the world at large. It’s a wonder she can even stand up without her scalp giving way in the process.

It’s a disease without a cure. And women are not the only chain of fools lined up at the “Chez Snip” Oscar nominee Mickey Rourke looks like his hair got caught in a fan belt that stretched his eyes nearly to the sides of his head. Kenny Rogers now resembles an Asian where once the face of a teddy bear wooed millions of women. Of course, there are the obvious manic marauders, the former Michael J and Carrot Top to name a couple. It’s a complete enigma why surgically altering your face to resemble a woman about to set her slumbering husband aflame suddenly became an attractive alternative to a naturally aging male face. I guess pulling rubber chickens out of a trunk and hurling epithets at them drove our Rotten Ronnie wannabe over the edge. Clearly the meds weren’t doing the job!

Who do we have to thank for all this? Barbie, patron saint of plastic the world over.
Girls gone wild? think again! Girls gone Mattel. Stamped “For Sale” across a media outlet near you!