I dedicate this twisted tale to every human being that had suffered through countless hours of Spongebob. R.I.P (literally RIP, SHRED) to the most annoying creäture ever animated for the senseless amusement of children!
This is dedicated, specially, to Jennifer. Your suffering is now over. Hope you all enjoy the read.
He awoke dazed and gasping! Barely able to make out the pinpoints of light in front of his parched eyes, it suddenly became all too clear that he was not lying in familiar territory. But if not in his own bed, then where was he? He stifled a scream as the focus slowly returned to his field of vision. He found himself staring up at a flickering lightbulb, coming quickly to the dreadful realization that he was in a place in which there was no escape! Was it to be his last hours amongst the living?
Spongeworthy was no longer worthy! In fact, Mr. Queerpants was relegated to the refuse receptacle. Worthless and forgotten!
So how did such a bright and highly absorbent former sea critter end up taking residence in among the discarded tissues and Q Tips. Hmm mm.
Well, like yesterday’s toothbrush, Spongeworthy Queerpants lived fast and furious. And it showed on his frayed, yellowed face. As he lay dehydrating, life slowly evaporating from his filthy pores, he watched the last days of his youth flash before him.
T’was quite the party. The memories flooded his fevered mind, much like a flooded sewer. He lay there, racked in pain as the life slowly left his body, recounting the end of days.
Rewind to that last night. Was one soon forgotten, but felt by all involved. Mortally so!
Spongeworthy Queerpants attended one of his usual binges at Mr. Crabs popular watering hole, Chez Kwellada. As usual, Spongeworthy needed center stage. This irked Squishwart Testicles to no end. Mr. Testicles worked the cash at Chez Kwell. As a failed artist and skin flute player, Mr. Testicles had a lot of pent-up hostility towards life in general. To see everyone around him merrily sucking up the sea suds caused him great stress. Stress that had no outlet.
Mr. Testicles, in short, felt the tiny voices inside getting louder and louder. Mr. Testicles was no longer in the driver’s seat.
As sanity left Mr. Testicles, the chorus that had taken over inside his head scanned the room and was happy to see that Scabby Cheeks was in the house. In Scabby, he hoped to make an ally. So with great speed, Mr. Testicles moved across the room with refreshment in hand as an offering to Scabby. Scabby accepted the sea-foam shooter with trepidation, but within minutes was feeling fairly comfortable with the situation. With her shooter downed, Squishwart offered up another. In fact, his chorus emptied his pockets into the till, and filled Ms. Cheeks up to the brim.
With Scabby Cheeks fairly snockered and quite agreeable, Squishwart then turned his attention to the mission he intended upon drafting an accomplice into…ridding the world of one dingy yellow sponge, and anyone in good with him!
First order of business; get them all plastered. This wasn’t going to be so easy. Captain Crabs was known to all to as a miser. He would never extend free drinks to anyone, let alone his subordinate, so it was imperative they deal with him first. Squishwart and Scabby discussed this and decided upon the best line of attack: Enter Scabby Cheeks, femme fatale!
Scabby swallowed her revulsion and scraped her way up to the bar. Squishwart returned to his post to witness. With a great deal of effort, Scabby played sober and started heavy flirtations with Captain Crabs. Within minutes, she found herself leading him out to the back ally to engage the plan hatched by Squishwart and herself. Swallowing bile by the bucketfuls, she started playing nice with Captain Crabs, ensuring that he would not see what was coming up from behind. Unbeknownst to the Captain, Squishwart had stealthed into place strategically, savouring the feel of the weapon in his grip, and with a mighty swoop impaled Captain Crabs with a broken but jagged tooth of a nit comb. Brandishing a look of stark surprise, Captain Crabs gurgled his last breath, and collapsed upon Scabby’s shuddering bosom.
So, with the Captain out-of-the-way, Squishwart Testicles re entered Chez Kwellada and declared an open bar. The chorus inside Squishwart’s head were singing in harmony now.
To the now open bar Spongeworthy Queerpants, Plankdung, Captain Crabs lifelong nemesis, Putrid Star, Spongeworthy’s best and trashiest friend as well as Gory, Spongeworthy’s cherished pet snail all bee-lined towards. Immediately, the festivities commenced. It wasn’t long until not a one was standing.
The victim first chosen was the now snoring Plankdung. Scabby drunkenly dragged his inebriated but formerly pompous self outside the club, and into the trunk of her submersible. She put her vehicle in gear and navigated towards the topside. As she neared the surface of the water, she wondered silently if they’d get away with it. But it was too late now to worry. They were in too deep to turn back.
When she reached the surface, she unloaded her trunk and swam excitedly nearer and nearer to the pier with Plankdung in tow approaching the spot where hungry seagulls fed on scraps from the fishing boats. Being in a bit of a sadistic mood, Scabby Cheeks worked hard at reviving Plankdung, so she could enjoy the last moments of his life from a spectators point of view. Scabby slapped and bit Plankdung until she saw his eyes fluttering, and with all her charm explained to Plankdung what was about to occur. Plankdung sobered up very quickly.
It was over in an instant.
He watched with terror as they approached. With shrill tones that sent chills to his core, helplessly he lie prone upon the sun bleached pier as the horror unleashed itself upon him. The first bill tore away his lower extremities, followed by two more descending towards the target and in one terrible moment, shearing his torso in two. The last thing Plankdung saw before the end was the back of a seagull’s throat as his head found itself swallowed in one greedy gulp!
Pleased with herself, insufferably so, Scabby Cheeks got into her submersible and returned to the club.
While Scabby was away, Squishwart Testicles was also having a blast. He managed to revive Gory the sea-snail just in time to enjoy his last moments. With a shaker of salt in hand, Squishwart revelled in the screams of agony as the salt quickly ate through Gory’s gelatinous flesh. Squishwart’s voices laughed hysterically as flesh sizzled with each white grain that made contact with it. In moments Gory’s tale had come to an end.
Squishwart’s voices debated whether to use the same method on Putrid Star, but decided that the Starfish deserved a more grisly end.
At the moment that Squishwart was contemplating the fate of Putrid Star, Scabby returned to offer up further help. Drunk with blood lust, she was now unquenchable. The perfect ally! The two discussed which method would be fitting for such a trashy sea slag, and decided upon dismemberment. So the two of them flipped Putrid Star on his back, so he could not escape and proceeded to chop into his appendages.
Within seconds of the first cut Purtid awoke screaming at the top of his diffusers in a pitch only sharks could hear. It was laborious work. The spurting of life fluids covered them both as they merrily toiled to reaching their goal, Putrid crying out with each millimeter of exoskeleton being compromised. Within twenty minutes, both Squishwart and Scabby managed to hack off his five shuddering appendages. The two looked at each other with a great deal of satisfaction as Putrid Star’s quivering torso emitted one last painful moan as his final bubble was expelled.
The two were now down to one last victim. But unlike his buddies, Spongeworthy couldn’t be killed in the conventional ways. They needed a fresh idea for one so special.
Then decided after debating the task that death by dehydration was the cruelest and most fitting demise they could concoct for one so horribly annoying. But then came the question, how.
The dock was dismissed as a method. Too much potential for him being thrown back into the water. For a few moments Scabby Cheeks contemplated having him grilled on a barbecue, but they both decided that would be too quick. So it was finally agreed upon that the trashcan in her bathroom was the perfect place for Spongeworthy to expire.
While this amused Scabby to no end, it upset Squishwart. He wouldn’t get to partake. But Scabby promised to film his last moments, and bring it back down to Squishwart so he could enjoy it as well.
Fast forward to Spongeworthy’s last day.
We’d all like to think to ourselves that Squishwart Testicles and Scabby Cheeks got to enjoy that last gasp, but it’s a cruel, cruel world, and in the end, nobody gets out alive.
It became clear to Squishwart’s chorus as styrofoam found its way onto his tentacles that offing Captain Crabs wasn’t perhaps such a good thing. Not a good thing at all. You see, unbeknownst to himself or Scabby Cheeks, Captain Crabs was an important operative in the undersea mob. Very important. However, it became crystal clear to Squishwart Testicles as he quickly ascended from the sea floor towards his doom at the topside of the water, soon would be his final chapter.
Above sea level, Scabby Cheeks was becoming impatient with how long it was taking Spongeworthy Queerpants to expire. But she had the determination to see it through. However, after a spell, she felt an obligation to inform Squishwart Testicles of the delay. So down to the club she headed. Unaware of the sea mob’s interest in her own expiration date, she naïvely entered the structure. Immediately, she came to the horrific realization that she was not alone. In fact, she had sensed with terror the school of ravenous piranha pulsating building into a frenzy nearby. With lightning speed she felt hundreds of excruciating bites as her flesh was departing her body for its new role as Scabby Sushi. Horrendous cries were only met with unmerciful tearing as each part of her was happily ingested by the mob’s highly co-operative weapons of ass destruction.
Within minutes, all that remained of Scabby were her bones, glistening against the skylights of Chez Kwellada.
Squishwart too was breathing his last as his body, deprived of sea oxygen laboured topside of his air-illed grave. The last thing his dying eyes took in was the flotsam lapping up against his limp, gasping body.
As for Spongeworthy Queerpants…
Scabby Cheeks roommate returned to their shared abode later that day. Fancy was her name. Fancy often grumbled when returning home from her job as a cleaning woman. She grumbled a lot. It was because of Scabby’s sloppy and inconsiderate lack of domestic skills that Fancy grumbled so.
As Fancy viewed the bathroom, she grumbled loudly. Toilet was filthy. Absolutely disgusting! Encrusted, dusted and splattered with Scabby leavings, Fancy wished she had a crowbar she could introduce to Scabby’s head. But seeing as she was still in her cleaning duds, Fancy went for the cleanser. She returned to the bathroom and fished under the sink for a cleaning rag. Finding nothing, she spied a dirty yellow sponge drying up inside the trash can. Fancy thought to herself “one last ride for this thing” and plunged Spongeworthy into the toilet for a soak. Momentarily resuscitated Spongeworthy thanked his God for saving him from this terrible fate. However, that though soon turned to shock as the cleanser was sprinkled liberally upon his hapless face. Trying to clear his burning eyes, he soon found his face being ground against the dirty porcelain he just seconds before regarded as his savior. With all manner of human matter entering every orifice as he was brutally crushed against the unsanitary underside of the toilet. For endless moments he endured being pressed and yanked and soaked only to find himself being abused again and again. Finally it was over. Spongeworthy floated amongst the abrasive suds momentarily before he sank to the bottom of the throne in grimy exhaustion.
But before he could think, he found himself careening towards a nightmare, one that would soon end. As Spongeworthy Queerpants tried to gather his wits, he found himself greeted with a pleasant thought. He would return to his home in the sea. He took comfort in that as his tattered, sullied self continued it’s journey down the dank waterway towards what he thought would be the end of this traumatizing journey.
But life has a funny way of working out. It’s called Karma.
Yes folks, it was payback time for ol’ Queerpants. You see, Spongeworthy was not being dumped into a seaway. Oh no. Spongeworthy Queerpants was in fact headed for a sewage treatment plant. Spongeworthy stared in horror at the razor-sharp rollers quickly filling his line of sight. Rollers that were grinding and crushing everything that ran through them. Spongeworthy had no happy thoughts as his body was relieved of it’s life. Spongeworthy simply let out a silent scream seconds before he was reduced to mere fibers for future incineration.
Thus ends this tale of terror. No more shall the residents of planet earth have to endure the mind melting hijinks from the world of Spongeworthy Queerpants!